You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize