how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
