i was born a porn star she said
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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