I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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