sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
