My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
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