so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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