fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
