bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize