you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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