Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
