I wish they made helmets for livers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
