I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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