It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
