I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
