i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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