She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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