I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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