11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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