Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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