i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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