We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
