so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
