Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
