My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
