I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
