My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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