I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
