hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
