she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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