Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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