Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
