no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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