Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
