these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize