I'm so fucking centered right now
i jhust puked up my retainher.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
