i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
