i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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