We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
