Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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