My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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