if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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