I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
