I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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