Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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