When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
