Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
