So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
