fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
