don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
