My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
