the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
