He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
