11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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