everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
