At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
