if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
