I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
