He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
