Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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